Newly Discovered Things White Midwesterners Like: The Chicken Dance

Now I consider the Chicken Dance to be an abomination - I'd rather be waterboarded. When I got married I specified no music at the afternoon reception because I hate that song with an unending passion. But the fact that it's a song often played by polka bands (and often at wedding receptions at VFW halls) qualifies it as being part of White Midwestern culture.

Newly Discovered Things White Midwesterners Like: Barn Stars

star barn
Originally uploaded by Ardent Eye

I've had so much fun doing press for I Love Ranch Dressing but the most fun is when people ask me "Why didn't you include...?" So here are a few new Things White Midwesterners Like, brought to my attention by radio hosts and listeners around the country:

Stars on Houses: I hadn't noticed this until it was pointed out to me by a Michigan morning show, but damned if it isn't true. These were apparently a big deal in Amish communities and German immigrant farming communities (from whence my ancestors came) and are make a big comeback now. There isn't much significance to them (other than, "Hey, I like stars!") but they do scream, "White Midwesterners Live Here."

More Stuff White Midwesterners Like: Infomercial Products

cham wow
Originally uploaded by sublies

Have you seen the Sham-Wow commercial yet? Well if you're in the White Midwest I guaran-darn-tee that your neighbor Carl has. He bought the bonus set and uses them to clean up the AstroVan, the family's incontinent Labradoodle "Misty", and his John Deere lawn mower, which he keeps in pristine condition just in case someone from the John Deere company comes by to say "hey." Every White Midwestern home has at least a half dozen life-changing products that were ordered off the TV, and this is what all the cool kids are buying.

Extreme White Midwesterner Home Makeover, Part 2: Doilies

A Doily from my Aunt Beth
Originally uploaded by bcmom

White Midwesterners loooove doilies. Doilies can be found on the back of an easychair, on the coffee table, and even on their heads of old Catholic and Baptist White Midwesterners at funerals. (This is the only thing Baptists and Catholics have in common. that and the fact they don't want their kids marrying each other.) You can even dress up a boring sweatshirt with a doily collar and elbow pads. We love them because they are dainty, equisitely labor-intensive, and most of all--white.